How I'm feeling, today.

 I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself.

My spirit has been broken for years, and I'm tired of trying to fix it. 

I used to dream of having a wife and kids, and a dog to come home to; since I love to cook and bake, the fantasy was of a wife and kids coming home to find me in the kitchen making their favorite foods and having a cake in the oven. Sometimes I dream of myself and my wife flying to Paris, Milan, Accra, Ethiopia or other places to take cooking classes. I used to have this fantasy of having a son that can't wait for me to come home because I promised I'd go to his football game or having a daughter that can't wait for me to come home because she wanted to help me make a dessert to bring to school the following day. As I write this, I'm getting emotional, by the way. My love language is cooking and baking. There is nothing in the world that I enjoy doing more, and having a wife and kids for whom to cook and bake- that's heaven to me.

As I get older, the fantasy becomes less and less of a reality; I'm gradually accepting the fact that I will never find love, Even if I do finally  find love, I doubt anyone will believe it. I've always been seen by myself, and I don't talk about past situationships as they are so rare. In about 6 weeks I will be 59; the most realistic of my fantasies is having a dog or cat to come home to. I've always had my sons' and daughters' names picked out.

Now those names will be the names of my pets.