Travel Music

  Goodbye   Tevin Campbell

  Still A Thrill   Jody Watley

  Lady Cab Driver  Prince

  D M S R    Prince

Your Love's Supreme  Chante Moore

WildSide   Normani 

Warmth   Janet Jackson

If A Girl Answers, Don't Hang Up  Vanity 6

The Glamourous Life  Sheila E

Fine   Whitney Houston

Glow Up  Mary J Blige

Free As A Bird   Dwele

Soul Sista (Remix / From "Queen & Slim   Bilal

Benefits   Musiq Soulchild

Butterflies  Michael Jackson

Rock With You  Michael Jackson

A Couple Of Forevers Chrisette Michelle

High   Ledisi

Let Love Rule  Lenny Kravitz

 Atomic Dog  George Clinton

More Bounce To The Ounce  Roger Zapp

Can U Help Me    Jesse Johnson

French Blue  Janet Jackson

Lose Control Missy Elliott

On & on  Missy Elliott

WTF   Missy Elliott

 Vivrant Thing  Qtip

 1 Thing     Amerie

How I'm feeling, today.

 I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself.

My spirit has been broken for years, and I'm tired of trying to fix it. 

I used to dream of having a wife and kids, and a dog to come home to; since I love to cook and bake, the fantasy was of a wife and kids coming home to find me in the kitchen making their favorite foods and having a cake in the oven. Sometimes I dream of myself and my wife flying to Paris, Milan, Accra, Ethiopia or other places to take cooking classes. I used to have this fantasy of having a son that can't wait for me to come home because I promised I'd go to his football game or having a daughter that can't wait for me to come home because she wanted to help me make a dessert to bring to school the following day. As I write this, I'm getting emotional, by the way. My love language is cooking and baking. There is nothing in the world that I enjoy doing more, and having a wife and kids for whom to cook and bake- that's heaven to me.

As I get older, the fantasy becomes less and less of a reality; I'm gradually accepting the fact that I will never find love, Even if I do finally  find love, I doubt anyone will believe it. I've always been seen by myself, and I don't talk about past situationships as they are so rare. In about 6 weeks I will be 59; the most realistic of my fantasies is having a dog or cat to come home to. I've always had my sons' and daughters' names picked out.

Now those names will be the names of my pets.

Future Expectations

 

My level and amount of communication will equal yours.

I'm not going to waste any more time wondering why I am always the last to know a family issue.  I'll just accept that I am not important  

and I 

will match 

that energy. 

Periodt. 

-me

35 days

 So, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and I was thinking about something. 

I was thinking about having mailed my rent today, like I do on the 10th of every month, so that my landlord will get it by the 16th, which is the due date. It's considered late by the 20th. Only one time it was the 20th and she didn't get my rent. It got lost in the mail, and she texted me about it. When I showed her a picture of the receipt which showed the amount and the day I got it, she asked if I could send her a replacement. She got impatient and drove 30 miles to the house to make sure that she could get the replacement right away. 

So, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and I was thinking about my mortality. I was thinking about - if I died in my sleep tonight, how long would it be before anyone would discover I had died. 

I know the answer; the 21st of September. Yes, a little more than a month would pass before the first person would know, and that would be my landlord. She would've gotten my rent by the 16th of this month, but not for next month. She would text me on the 20th of September, and when I don't respond, the next day she will drive to the house to look for me. If my housemate is around she may ask if I was home and he may say he hasn't seen me in a few days. She may knock on the door and call my name and when I don't answer, she will use her key to open it and will find me, underneath my covers, dead.  That's right, it would take 35 days.

 That's the reality. 

People may have texted me during the time but my not answering them might not be a cause for worry, despite the fact that I respond to people immediately. I can text some people and days and months can go by before I get a response. My mom though- she gets upset when I don't respond right away to her voicemails. She wouldn't know who to reach out to, in case of an emergency. 

So, before I go to sleep tonight , I'm going to write individual letters to my closest and dearest friends and family members and put them in self-addressed stamped envelopes for my landlord to mail should she find me in that 'situation', and on one sheet of paper, compile a list of people for my landlord to call/text.  Should something happen. Because you never know. 

Q & A

Knowing what you know now;

What would you tell your 8 year old self? 

                             To insist on knowing why I heard what I heard, to ask my aunts and grandparents                                     and anyone who might tell me the truth. 

What would you tell your 14 year old self?

                             To ignore what the guidance counselor said and to insist on learning trigonometry                                     and  calculus.

What would you tell your 15 year old self?

                             To proceed despite what I've overheard. To believe otherwise; to digest what                                             I've heard and move on and not let it affect me. 

What would you tell your 20 year old self?

                             To accept that job offer in Knoxville, Tennessee with the  Sig Ep connections I've                                      made . 

What would you tell your  30 year old self?

                              To stay at my job at Humana, in Madison.

What would you tell your 44 year old self?

                              To not leave Wisconsin.

All along the way, I've met some cool people, and had things not worked out the way they did, I wouldn't have met them, but it doesn't stop me from wondering what if I could go back in time to make changes, knowing what I know now.

FACT

Sometimes black excellence can be... threatening

What it really means to be an ally

It's not enough to be anti-racist. You have to do more than that. You have to combat it, confront it, interrupt it. And what do you do in a room full of white people for example, and language is happening that's offensive to black people? You stand in the gap for people who are absent. That's the real work.

Everybody Loves The Sunshine - Roy Ayers Ubiquity (1976)

Bucket List

* Go to Paris one more time 

* Go to Toronto one more time 

* Visit my mom one more time 

* Go to Brooklyn and Queens NY to meet my biological sisters for the first time, and any other biological siblings I may discover.

That's it.

 Any other items on previous bucket lists are unattainable ( like love and happiness). 

Reciprocal

Ce que vous donnez est ce que je vais donner. Si vous ne donnez rien, vous n’obtenez rien

WOW

I was going to write a post about what's been going on in my life within the past month, and my feelings about myself being my worst enemy and blah blah blah, but before I did that I was curious to see about any comments from past posts, and I see the last comment I received was March 26.

Of 2019.

Despite the 10 or more blogs on which I comment, on a weekly basis, obviously, I'm writing to myself. No one is returning the favor. Like this post. Right now. Every word I'm writing right now. No one will see it but me. So it doesn't even make sense writing any 

                                        thing-

Shirley Horn..., "Here's to Life."

Peace

I've made peace with the possibility that I will not find love in this life, and that I will die as I have lived-not wanting to be alone, but being alone and not by choice. What comes so easily for others has been unatainable for me. In 3 weeks I will be 58 years old. If it's been hard this long, I can't imagine it will suddenly become easy. I can't imagine that a younger woman will want to date or marry a man my age who wants kids. I'm just being realistic-though it doesn't mean I've stopped trying. I was talking to a friend a few years ago, a biblical scholar who has studied not only the Bible, but also the Q'uran and the Torah. She was telling me that the idea of reincarnation was desperately expunged from the Bible by the Catholic church.

Though I'm a Christian, I've always wondered about reincarnation. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, then I'm convinced my next life will be much better than this one. I say that because I'm such a good person-or at least I try to be. I'm loving, I'm giving, I'm thoughtful, I'm kind, I'm not argumentative. I try to be as friendly and as thoughtful and as cool a person as I could possibly be, and hopefully my next life will be my reward. so I'm basically biding my time until God is ready. I'm also convinced that this life is due to how I may have lived and treated people in a past life. 

I'll set this down right here.

This.