Changes

I need to do something different. 

More different than anything I've done since I arrived here in Oregon 7 years ago. 

I'm a good guy.

I'm a good friend.

I'm reliable. 

I'm the most receptive,

                   the most empathic person I know. 

but I'm also the loneliest person I know

especially on nights like tonight, New Years Eve.

I've spent it alone 7 years in a row.

I need to do something different. 

Nothing I've done here to bring about positive change has succeeded. 

I've rid my life of fake people,

I've strengthened my friendships with the real ones.


I go to bed by 11 pm every New Years Eve so that when I wake up in the morning it's the next year.

(and every friday and most saturdays, to be honest)

I want to help bring in the new year next year.

I haven't found any women of color with whom I am mutually attracted. 

I need to do something different. 
                 


I need to move away. 

It's11pm.

Goodnight.

A CAKE SUPREME'S Top 15 (at least) for 2014

20- LAVENDAR LEMON CUPCAKE

19  CHAMPAGNE RASPBERRY CUPCAKE

18.  BROWNIE CUPCAKE  WITH BLUEBERRY CREME FROSTING

17   OREO & PEANUT BUTTER STUFFED RED VELVET CUPCAKES

OREO & PEANUT BUTTER STUFFED RED VELVET CUPCAKE

16 JACKFRUIT CAKE WITH VODKA

15   AVOCADO CHOCOLATE CHIP

14 BANANA  CUPCAKE WITH  MACADAMIA NUT BUTTERCREME FROSTING

13 OREO BISCUITS

12 HAZELNUT BUNDT CAKE

11 MOROCCAN ORANGE CUPCAKES, HALF WITH ORANGE MARMALADE, HALF WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING AND ORANGE ZEST

10. 60 MINI STRAWBERRY CUPCAKES

9  OREO & PEANUT BUTTER STUFFED BROWNIE CUPCAKES

OREO & PEANUT BUTTER STUFFED BROWNIE CUPCAKE

8 CHAMPAGNE BLUEBERRY MINI BUNDT CAKE

7  VANILLA CUPCAKES WITH BANANA CREME FROSTING

6 CHAMPAGNE RASPBERRY CUPCAKES WITH VANILLA BUTTERCREME FROSTING AND BLACK RASPBERRY COMPOTE

5.  DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE

4  CHOCOLATE BREAD

3  KEY LIME CUPCAKES WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP FROSTING AND LIME ZEST

2    CRISPY BACON CINNAMON ROLLS

1.   SWEET POTATO BISCUITS

Sweet Potato Canneles w/ Creme Fraiche

DARK CHOCOLATE KAHLUA MINI BUNDT CAKE

MAPLE BACON CAKE

HAZELNUT TEA BREAD

-Mavis Staples

without her

i'm re-routing. heading in another direction. including everyone on my new journey minus one person-someone i thought would be with me through to the end. i've had to kick her out and find another path in order to keep her from dragging her negative bullshit behind. 

 i wish her well though.

Christmas Prayer

Dear Lord,

What can I start doing now, to assure that on Christmas 2015 I will not have to spend another Christmas alone?

-Chic

'when you're by yourself,
minus
someone else'

Merry Christmas!

cast members at the end of the movie "This Christmas" doing the Soul Train's line to Marvin Gaye's song, "Got to give it up"

Never piss off a writer

As an aspiring poet and short story writer, I'm fond of reminding people: Never piss off a writer. A writer can immortalize an enemy by killingly them gruesomely, lingeringly, before lots  and lots of readers.

(It's very satisfying.)

I'm working on a novella  called The Elliptical. Someone I loved who had been cruel to others turned their cruelty my way and shook me up and broke my heart. I'm still shaking about it (and having shed quite a few tears).
What she did was give me the ammunition needed to turn this story around and make it more powerful than I ever imagined.  And when it's published via Amazon Kindle, people will basically see her for what she is in doors- the complete opposite of the Christian she claims to be outside.

The problem now is, I'm overwhelmed with so many ideas of torture and I don't know which one to use. I know I don't want a quick death.  She was good at telling certain people  'you don't deserve to die quickly. You deserve a slow death to the point that you beg to be put down.'   

 Yes, she said that.

That's the kind of punishment I will implement.  Something nice and slow.




Stay Tuned

Freddie Joachim - Patterns Vol. 2

Freddie Joachim - Patterns Vol. 1

There is a woman

There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.
--Alphonse de Lamartine

 

-Quote

When asked why he  is so  giving and nurturing  and loving,

he said,

"I've learned the cost of not loving enough."

- Anonymous

On Aiming Higher

The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but we aim too low and reach it."
-Michelangelo

#sometruth2this

There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.
--Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

This is a repost

Why God Created Woman from Man’s Rib

It’s amazing how God made man, and so beautiful how he made woman!  When I was a kid I asked my mom  why did God create Woman from Man’s rib, when He could have simply created her from dust, as He did Man? She didn't have the answer.  This is a story that puts a beautiful touch on the reasoning that I found on a friend's site today:

“When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him from the dust of the Earth and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man’s life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.”

“Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him,nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and beheld close to his side.  Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are the extension of me.” 

“Man represents my image, woman – my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God. So man: treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.”

This is a repost.

Awkward

D'Angelo - Lady ft. Spanky, Saadiq, Ali Shaheed & ?uestlove

- D'Angelo 'Prayer'

Method Man, Redman - Y.O.U.

Busta Rhymes Talks About Working With Janet Jackson

#mjb

Le Nègre et la Psychopathologie

In the colonial context the settler only ends his work of breaking in the native when the latter admits loudly and intelligibly the supremacy of the white man's values.
- Frantz Fanon, The Wretched of the Earth -

I saw this quote on my blogging buddy Dawna's page Because it Matters. The truest saddest deepest quote I read this week. I had to share it.

Thursday Throwback

-Dwele

-Jill Scott, Exclusively

Janet Jackson feat Q-Tip - Got Til It's Gone

I'll set this down right here....

Ledisi ,Eric Benet , and Chrisette Michele

The Most

     "The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have."
         - Vince Lombardi

Are you doing the best with what you have?   I pray to God every day, asking if I'm doing the best- am I doing the most with what I think He gave me?    I hope the answer is yes.

Chrisette Michelle- Better

InAction

those that sincerely want the best for me have shown it.

those that say they want be best for me have said it.

it will happen.

                                                                     I have a dream, and you're not willing to help me then 

get out 




            of my way. 

 Thanks

Forever - The Floacist (featuring Musiq Soulchild)

Thanksgiving

Christopher Columbus

HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 

LET'S CELEBRATE!

- Jordan Rakei

#headnod

-Back in the day.

#anothasomeOthaShip

She said  The head is the home of the brain

#stokely

#someothashiplistener

#truth

Stop wastin' time

Bon Anniversaire

Thanks for all the kind messages and wall posts. It's amazing how quickly time flies.

Another year has passed, full of interesting challenges and triumphs. A test of character, old friends, new friends, a tighter budget, more smile lines, gray hairs. The setbacks and the come-ups. The breakdown(s) before the breakthrough. lol Thank You, God, for every single one of them. And thank You for the people you constantly work through to teach me, acknowledge me, love me, inspire me, chin-check me, stay with me, or leave me in order to make me into a better version of me.

It's all worth it just to say I'm still here and I ain't been licked yet -- that I've  lived another day and for the feeling that I could likely survive anything. I receive it, gratefully.

Happy Birthday To Me!

America has spoken

Q & A about them

Q- You and (insert name here of most Portlanders) used to be really close. You both used to hang out a lot. What happened?

A- I stopped calling or texting, to see if they would call or text. I never heard from them again.

Q-Do you still consider them friends?

 A- Well, when I was initiating the communication 100% of the time, I considered them to have been friends. 

Q- And now?

A-That depends on your definition of the word friend. They fit the definition of some one with whom I am familiar and that's different from friendship.  I have friends. Those that I've never heard from since I stopped calling or texting-  those are not my friends.

Silence. 

The weight of what remains

I'm paying attention

What does it feel like?

refresh my memory;

someone.   let me

 live

through           u

remind me what it feels like to get out of bed

to leave the house with a smile on my face--

someone...

almost anyone

#nottoday

Today I let someone's tendency to be overdramatic take root in me, effecting my day. This won't happen tomorrow.  The burden she unloads onto me regularly, I'm giving it right back to her, brick to brick. I'm not accepting it anymore.
I was thinking this evening, while watching my show The Young & the Restless. There are some storylines, some people on the show that piss me off. But the writers of the show write to make us feel a certain way. The difference between someone I know and an actor being dramatic  is that the latter is doing it to get paid and the former one  actually believes their drama is real.

#butnottoday.

I wonder

I dreamed that Iyanla Vanzant and I wrote a book called Life's Mysteries Solved.
 Iyanla said the book was 237 pages. I opened the book and on the first page it said " I was looking for answers."
But all the other pages were completely blank sheets of paper. Except on the last page; it read "Lean not to thy own understanding".
I'm going to wonder about this all day.
Good morning.

Vision

We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.

        -Pema Chödrön

Friday Flashback

On hope being essential

Life  is going to throw you things you can never prepare for.  Eventually you have to accept that you can’t control everything. And then you  just put the pieces back together any way you can.

--Jack Abbott The Young The Restless

George Clinton & Vanessa Williams

-George Clinton

George Clinton / Any % of U

Good morning

....the clouds were thick and heavy this morning but i left the house in a good mood. it was a decision i made at the exact moment when i felt my mood about the end of sunny weather kicking in. i decided that today might be the day i meet the woman who has been wondering what it would be like to meet a guy like me.

Un jour

      Un jour, je serai aussi heureux que je prétends être .

TBT

remember these?

     The 60's. We lived in Brooklyn. An apartment on 195 Hoyt Street,  then a house near Queens. 1331 Dumont Ave  Under the watchful eye of my over-protective mom,  we skated up and down the street.  We had a very large, very long basement where we skated on rainy days or when my mom had to work.
  Those were the days.

Good morning

There comes a day when you get tired of the same old thing.

I think today is the beginning, for me.
For the first time in 7 years, as the train was nearing  my stop, a feeling of dread enveloped me, like a cloud, and for the first time, I didn't want to go to work. If I could have, I would have called in sick at that moment, then got off the train at my stop,and took the train in the opposite direction to head home.

I'm going to believe it's the change in the weather from summer heat to the chilly autumn that's affecting my mood and not the actual job itself. Maybe I'll feel better once I get my americano with an extra shot of espresso in a few minutes.

Good morning. Hope you have a good day.

-A poem by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

By Rabindranath Tagore

                                                                     

 

 

 

 

  This was recited on a tv show yesterday.

 I fell in love with it;

the most beautiful poem I have ever heard. I had to find it online to share it, so save it, to use it.

 

 When (not if ) I get married,

 I will recite this to my bride as part of the wedding ceremony

-Adrian Marcel ft Raphael Saadiq

Cinema

Good morning

i need a party.

as soon as i can move out to my own place (which is no time soon, unfortunately), I'm pulling my stereo, my turntables and my 2 five-foot tall speakers  out of storage, and my 8 crates of vinyls and I'm inviting everyone I know and like, to bring their own music and food, and I'm throwing a party

The Number 7 and The 7 year itch

From the Seven Days of Genesis to the Seven Seals of Revelation, Scripture is saturated with the Number Seven. Essentially all Biblical scholars, regardless of their stance regarding the meaning of numbers in Scripture, have recognized its special symbolic significance. Simply stated, it is impossible to miss. God laid the foundation of its meaning when He introduced this number in the context of His finished Work of Creation (Gen 2:2f):

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

God introduced the Number Seven as a symbol of the completion of His initial creative act. But the work that He ended on the Seventh Day in the First Book was really just the beginning of the Biblical revelation of all history that He consummated in the Last Book. And it is here that we see the Divine consistency of the Number Seven as a Biblical symbol; God used it with exactly the same meaning when He revealed the end of time, described as the completion of the "mystery of God," in Revelation 10:5ff:

And the angel which I saw stand upon the sea and upon the earth lifted up his hand to heaven, And sware by him that liveth for ever and ever, who created heaven, and the things that therein are, and the earth, and the things that therein are, and the sea, and the things which are therein, that there should be time no longer: But in the days of the voice of the seventh angel, when he shall begin to sound, the mystery of God should be finished, as he hath declared to his servants the prophets.

The word translated as finished is the Greek teléo, which generally means to bring to a close, to complete, to end, to fulfill. This word appears again in Revelation 15:1 which explicitly states the reason for seven angels with seven plagues:

And I saw another sign in heaven, great and marvelous, seven angels having the seven last plagues; because in them is filled up (teléo) the wrath of God.

This verse displays a double emphasis on temporal consummation; the word translated as last is eschatos, whence eschatology, the study of the end times. God reiterated its connection with the Number Seven a third time in Revelation 16:17:

And the seventh angel poured out his vial into the air; and there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, It is done.

This is characteristic of the Bible; most symbols are clearly defined in the text and used quite consistently from Genesis to Revelation. The Number Seven, the numerical symbol of Fullness, Completion, and Perfection, is a prime example of this consistency, as illustrated by this entry from the Tyndale Bible Dictionary (emphasis added):

In Scripture, seven symbolizes completeness or perfection. On the seventh day God rested from his labors and creation is finished (Gn 2:2). Pharaoh in his dream saw seven cattle coming from the Nile (41:2). Samson’s sacred Nazirite locks were braided in seven plaits (Jgs 16:13). Seven devils left Mary of Magdala, signifying the totality of her previous possession by Satan (Lk 8:2); "seven other devils" will enter the purified but vacant life of a person (Mt 12:45). However, on the positive side, there were the seven spirits of God (Rv 3:1). In the seventh year the Hebrew slave was to be freed (Ex 21:2), having completed his time of captivity and service. Every seventh year was a sabbatical year (Lv 25:4). Seven times seven reiterates the sense of completeness. In the Year of Jubilee (at the completion of 7 x 7 years = the 50th year), all land is freed and returns to the original owners (Lv 25:10). Pentecost, the Feast of Weeks, is seven times seven days after Passover. "Seventy," which is literally "sevens" in Hebrew, strengthens the concept of perfection. There are 70 elders (Ex 24:1) in Israel. Israel was exiled to Babylon for 70 years (Jer 25:12) to complete its punishment. "Seventy times seven" (Mt 18:22) reiterates this still further. The Lord was not giving Peter a mathematical number of times that he should forgive another person, but rather was insisting on limitless forgiveness for a brother’s sin.

With this understanding, we can now see the Number Seven as a fourth independent symbol declaring of the completion and perfection of the whole Bible displayed in the sevenfold symmetry of the Canon Wheel. After clearly defining the meaning of the Number Seven throughout the text of Scripture, God then plainly applied it to the design of its large-scale structure. Thus we see that God took four independent yet harmonious symbols and forged them in the furnace of His Infinite Wisdom into a single multifaceted compound symbol declaring with one voice the Divine Perfection of His Holy Word! This is the overwhelming wonder of it all; the symbols God embedded in the design of His Word continue to build one upon the other, endlessly and effortlessly amplifying their mutually coherent implications. Each independent thread in this Divine Tapestry strengthens every other thread until they unite to form an absolutely unbreakable cord.

This complex simplicity and unity in diversity is the hallmark of Divine Wisdom. The Bible Wheel – the Seal of God’s Word – is an exceedingly dense compound of four heterogeneous elements that burns like the nuclear furnace of the sun. And just as the four symbols are mutually integrated, so also each symbol carries multiple symbolic overtones within itself. We saw this with the Alpha Omega which bears the ideas of the beginning and end, eternity, everything created, the Word of God, and God Himself. The Number Seven carries a corresponding depth of composite meaning within itself, as we shall presently see.

When God introduced the Number Seven as a symbol of the completion of His Work of Creation, He also associated it with sanctification (holiness), declaring that He "blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it." Thus God laid the foundation for its application throughout the rest of Scripture. It is a double symbol signifying both completion and sanctification. These ideas natural cohere because sanctification denotes the setting apart or separating of a person or thing as wholly devoted or completely given over to God, as when He separated the Levitical Priests saying "they are wholly given unto me" (Num 8:16), or again when Paul prayed that "the very God of peace sanctify you wholly" (1 Thes 5:23). This is the essence of the Fourth Commandment which mandates the complete cessation of all mundane work and the complete devotion to the things of God. The Christian fulfills this through faith in the finished work of Christ, our eternal Sabbath (Hebrews 4:10).

The Fourth Commandment permanently embedded the threefold association of completion, sanctification, and the Number Seven into the fundamental rhythm – the very heartbeat – of Jewish life. Just as God ceased His Work on the Seventh Day, so the Jews rest from their work on the Seventh Day and sanctify it unto God. This set the basis of God's sacred pattern of time that completely dominates the Old Testament calendar. It is the origin of the seven-day week now common to the entire world. Obviously, it is very important to God that we recognize and understand the meaning of this number. He used it reiteratively on multiple scales (days, months, years) throughout His ceremonial laws and in His design of the Jewish religious calendar. The Lord ordained seven days for the sanctification of the altar (Exo 29:37), seven days for the sanctification of the Priests (Lev 8:33), and a series of weeks for the cleansing of leprosy (13:1). Likewise, the sanctifying blood of the sacrifice was sprinkled seven times (8:11, 14:7), and following the pattern of the weekly Sabbath on a higher scale, He ordained every seventh year as a sabbatical year when the land was to lay fallow (25:2).

The Seven Feasts of the Lord exemplify God’s reiterative application of this number in the structure of His ceremonial circle of time. It begins with the Feast of Passover on the fourteenth day (2 x 7) of the first month followed immediately by seven days of the Feast of Unleavened Bread. The Feast of Pentecost then comes fifty days (7 x 7 + 1) after the first sabbath following Passover, a pattern God repeated on a higher scale with the Year of Jubilee set for every fifty years (7 x 7 + 1). The whole cycle of Seven Feasts culminates with three connected "holy convocations" of the seventh month, beginning with the Feast of Trumpets followed by the great Day of Atonement which God integrated with the Year of Jubilee and the numerical pattern of "seven times seven" (Lev 25:8f):

And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine years. Then shalt thou cause the trumpet of the Jubilee to sound on the tenth day of the seventh month, in the Day of Atonement shall ye make the trumpet sound throughout all your land. And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubilee unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

God designed the Seven Feasts to accomplish a variety of purposes. They exemplify the symbolic meaning of the Number Seven and indelibly imprint it on the mind of all who read the Bible. They also reveal a prophetic calendar that now stands as an eternal memorial of the great Work of Christ. Three of the primary events of the New Testament – the death of Christ on Passover (1 Cor 5:7), His resurrection on Firstfruits (1 Cor 15:20), and sealing of the newborn Church by the Holy Spirit on Pentecost – were anticipated by them.

7 years ago today, I packed up my belongings and my two kitties and I left the safety net of family and friends and familiar surroundings and my church in Wisconsin, and I moved to a state far far away, to start a job on October 1.
I still like my job, but do I think I made the right decision?

It took my moving here to realize that money wasn't everything-not that I made that much more than when I lived in Milwaukee Wisconsin. I'm still one paycheck away from being homeless.

I miss my family so much. I miss my friend Jeff. He lived within a block of me. I miss my friends Decarlo, Romayne , and Nicholas. They lived in town. I miss the feeling of being a kid in a candy store, with regards to the type of women I like dating. When we both had no plans, Jeff and I would catch every good movie that came to town. The church we attended which was the largest black church in Wisconsin- I miss fellowshipping there, and looking at the hundreds and hundreds of beautiful black women there. Decarlo and Romayne attended the second largest black church in the state. I used to visit their churh some time.  I miss the cookouts Nicholas and his brother always invited me to,  and the happy hours.  I miss Shakara.  I miss Vandana.  I miss Faisreh and her surprise visits.  I miss my 2-floor one bedroom apartment. Just think - I was getting paid less there and I was able to afford a nice 2-floor  one bedroom apartment. Rent in Milwaukee is much cheaper than it is here.  I miss surprising my mom by showing up at her church often, and driving 70-something miles whenever my nephew called and wanted to go for a drive.  I didn't mind making that trip because I wanted to hang with him and he needed a father figure. My friends always kept me busy; I didn't have one weekend to myself, and that's how I liked it.   My life then can't be any more the opposite of what it is now.
I don't miss the snow and the sub-zero temperatures, but knowing what I know now, the jury is still out on whether I made the right decision. 
But I think the answer is no.
I'm here now, and I'm tired of moving, so I'm going to make the best of this situation and I'm going to have a positive attitude.  And try to keep busy  at my job. I'm going to to keep so busy growing  my baking business and trying to sell enough  manuscripts on Amazon Kindle -and be so busy that I forget how badly this place sucks.