― Corrie ten Boom
Prior to the pandemic, since I was 50, I had been dying my beard black because I wasn't ready to embrace the grey. Once when I decided to let my hair grow on my head just to see if I could still grow a full head of hair, I saw the gray and decided it would be easier and cheaper to continue to shave it bald. Maybe because I had been shaving it bald since I was in my 30s and my barber said I had the shape of head good for baldness, but besides the grey color, I didn't like hair on my head. Anyway, during the pandemic I was able to work from home and since I wasn't seeing people, I didn't have a need to color my beard at all, and I was thinking; 'I'm 56. Why am I kidding myself? A black man in his late 50s with jet-black hair?' I decided it didn't look realistic, given my advanced age, and yet, I'm 59 now and the gray is now white. That, I am not ready to embrace, but I guess I have to. Ocassionally I'd let a little grey show, when I ran out of hair dye, and women would say it looks nice. Personally, I hated it and I didn't want women to think I looked as old as I was.
But I'm 59 now.
I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself. I'm not going to embrace the white hair though; God-willing I'll wait until I'm in my 70s before that happens. I'm going to find a hair stylist to dye it salt & pepper. Getting old is awful and painful, but the alternative is death, and I chose getting old.
The two things I want more than life itself, I know that at 59, I have to accept that I will never have. I have tried relentlessly but I am convinced it is not in the cards for me. Most likely, I will never find love. I also will not have my own biological children. Periodt. End of sentence. It hurts. I can't think of anything more to say besides, whenever I die, I'm pretty sure I will be alone. In my bed, probably, in my sleep, with my Iphone beside me-
