Embracing Kindness and Karma

 I strive to be a good person, partly because it feels natural to me, but also because I fear I might not have been good in my past lives. I’m convinced that this life is a form of karmic punishment for mistakes I made before. No one can convince me otherwise; every single aspect of my life is shitty. Maybe I took advantage of my parents or took them for granted. Perhaps I mistreated the women in my life—my wife (or wives) or girlfriends. If I had children, maybe I didn't give them the attention and care they deserved. I’ve probably broken hearts, been selfish, or lived  ( and ate) recklessly. Maybe I was the life of every party, wealthy and carefree, indulging in excess without a second thought for others.

But in this life, I have strong, meaningful relationships with my sisters, so I like to think I wasn’t being punished for how I treated them in the past. In another life, I might have been tall, fit, and good-looking. Maybe I didn’t stutter. Maybe I wasn’t shy or introverted. Maybe I was loved but took the love for granted.

I'm the kindest, most loving, attentive, and empathetic person I can be. The best son, brother, friend, uncle, employee I can be. I hope that by living this way, I can create a better path for myself—in the next life.

 In this life I am currently 62. I'm too old for the things I dream of-

currently listening to The Beautiful Ones, by Prince

someone to check up on me

One of the things I really appreciate about my newly-discovered sister Leslie, who lives in The Bronx, is that she calls and texts me several times a day.

Before we reconnected, I used to worry about dying in my sleep. Since no one called or texted me regularly or wouldn't be concerned if they haven't heard from me, I always imagined my landlord would be the first to discover I was gone—probably around the 5th of the month when the rent was late.

Now that Leslie and I are in touch, I told her that if I don’t respond to her calls or texts after a while, she should call again. And if she still doesn’t hear from me, I asked her to let my sister Cheryl know, so she can come check on me to make sure I’m okay—or to confirm the worst.

I even gave Leslie a list of people to notify in case I pass away.

& 

some instructions. 

currently listening to Smokie Norful - I Need You Now

Posting this for me

like all my other blog posts,

 no one will see it.

           but me. 

'If you're looking for me,

I'm done.'