Same Shit, Different Day

 The question is still the same. 

I asked-  What have I done to not be deserving of happiness? 

I was at a poetry reading this evening. Friday evenings I am usually at home watching HBO max, Hulu or Paramount Plus until I fall asleep, but I was told about the poetry reading earlier in the week and I decided that I will not meet anyone staying at home, so I went.  Then my only friend in town ( he told me about the poetry reading earlier in the week. I didn't know he would show up)  showed up with a friend, and he was glad I was there because he was curious about the dude's sexuality though the dude's given him many hints, and my friend wanted me to observe dude's behavior to confirm. My friend doesn't want to make any moves that might cause the dude to want to kick his ass. I didn't stay at the Poetry reading for long because the women there looked ratchet, and regarding my friend and the dude, it was as if they were on a date and I was intruding, so at the intermission, I told my friend I was tired and going home. I said good bye to the both of them and I went home. 

An hour later my friend called me and asked my opinion. I told him the dude was on him like velcro. It's obvious the dude was into him for more than friendship. My friend devoted every second of the time he wasn't talking to me, to him, and I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel.

Anyway, I wonder how does it feel to like at the very least, and to be liked in return?  

How does it feel to be loved, and to be loved in return? Dude was following my friend around like a puppy dog this evening. 

Dear Lord,  What have I done to not be deserving of love, of happiness?  I was told by 2 different people before I moved to Oregon, that I would find my wife there. I was in Oregon for 14 years, looking for her every.single.day.

Did she move away? Possibly to Wisconsin?

What about me?

 Dear Lord,

So many wonderful things are happening to people around me, and I'm happy and I want to celebrate their happiness, but

What about me, Dear Lord?

What about me?    What have I done to not be deserving of happiness? 

The Future

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

― Corrie ten Boom

Prior to the pandemic, since I was 50, I had been dying my beard black because I wasn't ready to embrace the grey. Once when I decided to let my hair grow on my head just to see if I could still grow a full head of hair, I saw the gray and decided it would be easier and cheaper to continue to shave it bald. Maybe because I had been shaving it bald since I was in my 30s and my barber said I had the shape of head good for baldness, but besides the grey color, I didn't like hair on my head. Anyway, during the pandemic I was able to work from home and since I wasn't seeing people, I didn't have a need to color my beard at all, and I was thinking; 'I'm 56. Why am I kidding myself? A black man in his late 50s with jet-black hair?'  I decided it didn't look realistic, given my advanced age, and yet, I'm 59 now and the gray is now white. That, I am not ready to embrace, but I guess I have to. Ocassionally I'd let a little grey show, when I ran out of hair dye, and women would say it looks nice. Personally, I hated it and I didn't want women to think I looked as old as I was. 

But I'm 59 now.

I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself. I'm not going to embrace the white hair though; God-willing I'll wait until I'm in my 70s before that happens. I'm going to find a hair stylist to dye it salt & pepper. Getting old is awful and painful, but the alternative is death, and I chose getting old.

The two things I want more than life itself, I know that at 59, I have to accept that I will never have. I have tried relentlessly but I am convinced it is not in the cards for me. Most likely, I will never find love. I also will not have my own biological children. Periodt. End of sentence. It hurts. I can't think of anything more to say besides, whenever I die, I'm pretty sure I will be alone. In my bed, probably, in my sleep, with my Iphone beside me-

Travel Music

  Goodbye   Tevin Campbell

  Still A Thrill   Jody Watley

  Lady Cab Driver  Prince

  D M S R    Prince

Your Love's Supreme  Chante Moore

WildSide   Normani 

Warmth   Janet Jackson

If A Girl Answers, Don't Hang Up  Vanity 6

The Glamourous Life  Sheila E

Fine   Whitney Houston

Glow Up  Mary J Blige

Free As A Bird   Dwele

Soul Sista (Remix / From "Queen & Slim   Bilal

Benefits   Musiq Soulchild

Butterflies  Michael Jackson

Rock With You  Michael Jackson

A Couple Of Forevers Chrisette Michelle

High   Ledisi

Let Love Rule  Lenny Kravitz

 Atomic Dog  George Clinton

More Bounce To The Ounce  Roger Zapp

Can U Help Me    Jesse Johnson

French Blue  Janet Jackson

Lose Control Missy Elliott

On & on  Missy Elliott

WTF   Missy Elliott

 Vivrant Thing  Qtip

 1 Thing     Amerie

How I'm feeling, today.

 I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself.

My spirit has been broken for years, and I'm tired of trying to fix it. 

I used to dream of having a wife and kids, and a dog to come home to; since I love to cook and bake, the fantasy was of a wife and kids coming home to find me in the kitchen making their favorite foods and having a cake in the oven. Sometimes I dream of myself and my wife flying to Paris, Milan, Accra, Ethiopia or other places to take cooking classes. I used to have this fantasy of having a son that can't wait for me to come home because I promised I'd go to his football game or having a daughter that can't wait for me to come home because she wanted to help me make a dessert to bring to school the following day. As I write this, I'm getting emotional, by the way. My love language is cooking and baking. There is nothing in the world that I enjoy doing more, and having a wife and kids for whom to cook and bake- that's heaven to me.

As I get older, the fantasy becomes less and less of a reality; I'm gradually accepting the fact that I will never find love, Even if I do finally  find love, I doubt anyone will believe it. I've always been seen by myself, and I don't talk about past situationships as they are so rare. In about 6 weeks I will be 59; the most realistic of my fantasies is having a dog or cat to come home to. I've always had my sons' and daughters' names picked out.

Now those names will be the names of my pets.