FINIS

People will stop doing nice things when it's determined that what they do is not being appreciated. 

-me. 

Currently reading

 

In one of my Facebook rooms someone posted about his being on an entertainment show in Canada promoting this book. I had to buy it. 

A New Path

So, 

my job ends next week, on the 29th. It was inevitable, and I have Covid 19 to thank for it. My company is reducing its staff by 8-15%. While some in my department and sales were let go on the 29th of September, I was given 30 days, which I appreciate because it's given me time to hurry up and either find something new or something else. 

On that date, I will be officially done with Insurance. That's right. I am done. I want nothing to do with the industry. Lots of my friends have taken multiple career paths in their attempt at finding something that 'clicks'; something that they can be proud of, something that makes them happy. 

I could never be proud of jacking up insurance rates for new group quotes or at renewal for people with serious medical conditions, in the hope that they would go else where since it's illegal to deny a quote. I remember, a few decades ago, when I was working in Madison, Wisconsin. An enrollee who insisted on finding my name and number anyway she could, called me, crying, because her employee fired her. Her son was a hemophiliac and incurred hundreds of thousands of dollars in prescription claims and the group's renewal rate almost doubled, and her family not being on the plan would cause a reduction in the renewal rates. She wasn't told that she was the reason for the substantial renewal increase but she suspected her son was the reason. I felt so bad but there was nothing I could say or do. That stuck with me. I think about that, every time I have to increase rates substantially at renewal time, or when I received a proposal for insurance and I either see a high claim or a medical condition with the potential for high, chronic claims. 

I'll be starting a Mortgage Underwriting job in a couple weeks. I'm glad that some companies agree with me that my skills are transferable to other kinds of jobs. I'm going to give this career path a try. In the meantime, I'll continue working on my side hustles (baking and writing). I'm not even worried.

I'm relieved. 

One day it just clicks

Okay?

Spacek - Eve - Feat. Frank n Dank (J Dilla Remix)

Angela Winbush...Too Good to Let You Go

Steely Dan...Black Cow

The Effects Of him.

 1962.

him; 

 don't forget the bottles of muscatel

 clanking empty

 in yards of broken champagne flute glasses 

 and lost memories of celebratory toasts;

empty.

 slobbering stammering and stuttering a language

; 

the C' word.

in a pitch low enough

 that only other alcoholics can interpret. 

in a pitch high enough

 that only other dogs can hear. 

brought into this world in handcuffs,

still I stutter;

a life in restraints. 

shy by history.

(begins with a C')

him;

This giant of a man.

 At five feet seven. 

Back in the 50's (he,

 who has been found drunk,in ditches in Memphis)

1969

Don't bother mom; 

She's busy doing twice what you're too drunk to do once.

 work. 

love.

And he may hurt me even more when she ain't around.

I'm no fool.

I'll be quiet

(no, not me. Him. Begins with a C')

You see, there is history in these handcuffs.

There is pain.

the truth. 

there is blood, 

but there are no screams-that's for sissies.

let's not forget the small green bottles hidden in pockets of suits and winter coats at Deliverence Evangelical Church, New York, New York

:

the back turned slightly.

 the contents quickly swallowed while mom obliviously praises God.

but I'm praising God too, 

with one eye 

and I see everything he did.

 But God is omnipotent. 

Praise Him!

the clapping which was not for support.

( God,please get me out of the audience )

The "C word.

We laugh 

We cry

We're in the audience 

But sis has a different interpretation of what we're both observing

                         / I must have done something wrong.

                           apparently I must have asked to be born 

                           to whom I was born/

before I was born 

(God, remove my restraints)

Now,

Learning everything 

by Listening to big bunches of nothing 

From enemies who are close friends of each other 

In time of need going their separate ways after bartime,

But sister, playing with dolls in the living room says to me 

 'leave my daddy alone.' 

while the back of my neck is pressed down to keep my back bent over the ironing board 

as the other hand holds a thick black leather belt to slam against my naked ass while the supremes song, 'where did our love go?' is playing on the radio,

 the beat-down is only interrupted by the announcement that Martin Luther King Jr was just shot..

The effects of him. of him and those damn bottles...

&

if he stood still for a minute and listened 

& watched 

&cared,

he could have heard the slow seeping out of what ever volume of love my little heart contained.

I petitioned.

I begged for compassion. 

In between slaps and scalding hot baths.

In between humiliation,

 emasculation 

and degradation.

Cirrhosis; 

that's it.

The effects of him. 

slap 1 across the face back hand 

slap 2 across the face

slap 3 a bath in scalding water. Steam rising off the ankles. 

slep 4 

slap 5 you damn sissy

slap 6 damn mama's boy

slap 7 

slap 8 Shut up! Don't be a sissy!

Slap 9 back hand slap

Be a man!

10 years old.... 

Applause.

And.

Curtains.

End scene...

I was brought into this world in handcuffs 1962 1972 1982 1992 1996 may he rest in peace 2000 2001 2002 2003 handcuffs still on 

(where's the key?) 

2004 

handcuffs off

Christopher Cross - Never Be The Same

Janet Jackson Ft Q Tip "Got Till Its Gone" Remix Pro. J Dilla

Simple as that.

No response is a response. 

I Learned Something New Today

 Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about Oregon.

13 years ago today, I moved from Wisconsin to accept a job in Portland, Oregon.  A coworker asked if I made the right decision, and I thought it for a minute, and this came to me:  "I think it was, only because when I lived in Wisconsin I couldn't get away from the icy, frigid temperatures fast enough. Having lived here, I now appreciate Wisconsin. Wisconsin is more than it's subzero temperatures. Wisconsin is family, and I miss them more than anything. So i'm glad I moved, because if I hadn't, I might have been in Wisconsin all this time, focusing more on the climate than my family."

And it occurred to me, that no, I don't regret the move at all. I'm glad I moved.