Me and myself for once

Sometimes you don’t realize you are actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor. -Anonymous 

 It's going to be difficult because I was raised to make sure everyone was happy at my expense, but from now on, I'm going to make myself a priority and commit to my own happiness.

Seriously,

If it wasn't for my kitty Vanity,

or the existence of Halle Berry

or my love for music

or books

or my sisters,

my love for the cities of Paris

and Toronto;

if it wasn't for my hope to visit The Dominican Republic

and West Africa one day,

if it wasn't for my belief that it is the only sin that can not be forgiven,

aint no way in hell I would plan to wake up one of these mornings

especially not tomorrow morning

on my 60th birthday.

Seriously.

When Or If?

 Dear Lord,

I've been sowing Good all over the place. 

I've bent over backwards 

all my life,

disregarding the bad things 

done to me

said to me

and about me.

I've been 

too good 

to every1

intentionally

&

I've been watching good things happening to them 

& to other people 

while life has rushed

passing me by-

                             I blinked

and suddenly 

I am too old to achieve the things I've been praying for.

the goals I've been trying to attain.

Dear Lord,

I've been sowing Good all over the place.

will my rewards

(if any)

be received in this life

(

or

the next   ?    )

I'm  good in this life.

Was I that huge a monster in past lives 

to warrant the life i'm living 

in this life?

I apologize Dear God-

please forgive me

Signs

 

Signs

They're everywhere. 

Some are subtle,

some obvious.

Look for them.

Don't ignore them. 

Observe them 

                            and proceed accordingly.

-Daij

listening to Me' Shell NdegeOcello - Soul Searching

Closer than close.

 sometimes the most hurtful words will come from the person you love the most. 

untitled

 I look back and thank God.

I look forward and trust God.

Message?

 "What am I here for, if not to create beautiful things?"

It was 3 am, a week ago. 

I had awakened from a dream. I can't remember the details of it. I just remembered I was whispering the above quote. I had awakened, reciting it, and thinking, I need to remember that line, and so I recorded  that quote so that I could study it and post here later. 

Is God trying to tell me something? I've been deeply depressed the past few years. Is He trying to encourage me, to tell me to continue baking, or writing?  I've been obsessing about taking architecture courses lately ( there's a used book store near me and I've purchased about 10 books on architecture)  but thinking I'm too old to be thinking about another career. 

God, are you trying to encourage me...?

Question of the day

Knowing what you know now, have you reached the time in your life when you’ve figured it out?

I actually have figured it out, but I regret it may be too late to do anything about it. 

x-factor

 You let go, and I'll let go too.

...it must feel good...

I don't know...

 I'm a Christian. A proud Christian. I have friends of all nationalities and alot of religions. I have one friend named Charles (not his name). He's Samoan, and he's an athiest. A proud athiest. He is so proudof his athiesm that he critiques me everytime I say something about Christianity or faith, or praying for my blessings. As he says- and I can't argue with him- he doesn't pray to anyone. He just goes for what he wants and he succeeds every time.  I can't argue with him because I can remember when he talked about attending Architecture school while I was beginning my career as an underwriter. He succeeded. Then he talked about this very gorgeous blond who worked at my job. She was happily married, but Charlie said she was going to be his wife, and within 5 years they were married, while I failed ( and am still failing) at finding love. Then they wanted a house and his dad paid the downpayment as a gift. Then he was winning awards and climbed up the corporate ladder and he became a dad and now has 5 sons. I'm the Godfather to the first 3. The oldest son is in his freshman year of college,  and everything is going so well for Charlie while nothing about my life is going well at all no matter how hard I try, and no matter how hard I pray; Charles likes to remind me that he doesn't pray at all. Everything he hopes for  comes to fruition. While I'm glad for people it makes me sad to watch  people experience things and achieve goals I've been trying to attain for a lifetime. Like I said, I'm a Christian. A proud Christian. I don't do any one wrong, so my karma should be good. Good things should be coming to me. It doesn't make sense to me how everything I touch turns to s%*t.  My Christian friends ( and family) like to say that it's never in my time but in God's time. Keep striving, keep pushing. There's a time and place for everything, but I don't know...

Here's a song I have to listen to when I'm feeling this way-->Encourage Yourself, by Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers

This.

 Believe this...

If there are things you want to do, you will find a way.

If there are things you do not want to do, you will find an excuse. 

Method Man, Remy Ma, Busta Rhymes & More Join DJ Cassidy To Perform Hip ...

Hip Hop & R&B Playlist W/ DJ Cassidy Passing The Mic To Missy Elliot, Ne...

$000.000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Say, you had a retail business of your own, like a restaurant, a bakery, coffee shop, or a book store or t shirt shop, and every week you had new items- cakes or other desserts, new books, new issues of magazines, or tshirts on display, and every week, your support system of friends would stop by and look at the items you were selling in your retail establishment, and every week a majority of them would tell you how great everything looks, but every week, every single week, they would leave your retail establishment without ever buying a single thing, and your cash drawer at the end of every day every week every month  would total $0.00 from the people looking at what's on display and leaving without buying anything ever, 

and some would suggest that you start a retail establishment, 

and when reminding them that they are actually in the actual retail establishment

- what would your response be?

Me: an excerpt (rough draft)

 It's not the job of  a 4 or 5-year old child to help an adult with grown-up issues. 

A child should not have to be concerned about how his mother is going to stretch her paycheck to pay the bills or buy clothes or  birthday or Christmas presents. A child should not have to be concerned about how his mother feels about her in-laws. A child should not have to be concerned about the relationship his mother has with his father.  A child should not have to be concerned about his mother's relationships with her sister, her friends or neighbors.  A child should not have to be concerned about how to change his baby sister's diapers, or feed her or himself. A child should not have to be concerned about making sure that when the little hand is on 7 and the big hand is on 12 that he should go to bed. A child should not have to be concerned about babysitting his sister and himself. 

What you will do is raise a fragile child who will worry about things children should not be worried about. You will create a child who is  overly concerned, fearful and yet protective of his mother; a boy  that is focused on doing and saying anything  he thinks will make her happy or put her at ease which is a difficult task. 

My sister had no idea why I didn't get any christmas presents while growing up. It's because  I knew my mother could not afford presents for the both of us so I asked that she not buy me anything. I was 6. 

A child should not be concerned with the thought that his purpose in life is to make sure he does or says anything possible that would make his mother happy. 

A child should have zero jobs. Zero concerns. A child should be a child.

I was never a child.  

I'm 59 years old, and people wonder why I behave the way I do, towards my mother, my sister, and towards women in general.     

Same Shit, Different Day

 The question is still the same. 

I asked-  What have I done to not be deserving of happiness? 

I was at a poetry reading this evening. Friday evenings I am usually at home watching HBO max, Hulu or Paramount Plus until I fall asleep, but I was told about the poetry reading earlier in the week and I decided that I will not meet anyone staying at home, so I went.  Then my only friend in town ( he told me about the poetry reading earlier in the week. I didn't know he would show up)  showed up with a friend, and he was glad I was there because he was curious about the dude's sexuality though the dude's given him many hints, and my friend wanted me to observe dude's behavior to confirm. My friend doesn't want to make any moves that might cause the dude to want to kick his ass. I didn't stay at the Poetry reading for long because the women there looked ratchet, and regarding my friend and the dude, it was as if they were on a date and I was intruding, so at the intermission, I told my friend I was tired and going home. I said good bye to the both of them and I went home. 

An hour later my friend called me and asked my opinion. I told him the dude was on him like velcro. It's obvious the dude was into him for more than friendship. My friend devoted every second of the time he wasn't talking to me, to him, and I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel.

Anyway, I wonder how does it feel to like at the very least, and to be liked in return?  

How does it feel to be loved, and to be loved in return? Dude was following my friend around like a puppy dog this evening. 

Dear Lord,  What have I done to not be deserving of love, of happiness?  I was told by 2 different people before I moved to Oregon, that I would find my wife there. I was in Oregon for 14 years, looking for her every.single.day.

Did she move away? Possibly to Wisconsin?

What about me?

 Dear Lord,

So many wonderful things are happening to people around me, and I'm happy and I want to celebrate their happiness, but

What about me, Dear Lord?

What about me?    What have I done to not be deserving of happiness? 

The Future

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

― Corrie ten Boom

Prior to the pandemic, since I was 50, I had been dying my beard black because I wasn't ready to embrace the grey. Once when I decided to let my hair grow on my head just to see if I could still grow a full head of hair, I saw the gray and decided it would be easier and cheaper to continue to shave it bald. Maybe because I had been shaving it bald since I was in my 30s and my barber said I had the shape of head good for baldness, but besides the grey color, I didn't like hair on my head. Anyway, during the pandemic I was able to work from home and since I wasn't seeing people, I didn't have a need to color my beard at all, and I was thinking; 'I'm 56. Why am I kidding myself? A black man in his late 50s with jet-black hair?'  I decided it didn't look realistic, given my advanced age, and yet, I'm 59 now and the gray is now white. That, I am not ready to embrace, but I guess I have to. Ocassionally I'd let a little grey show, when I ran out of hair dye, and women would say it looks nice. Personally, I hated it and I didn't want women to think I looked as old as I was. 

But I'm 59 now.

I didn't become the person that I wanted to be, and now I'm in the process of re-inventing everything about myself. I'm not going to embrace the white hair though; God-willing I'll wait until I'm in my 70s before that happens. I'm going to find a hair stylist to dye it salt & pepper. Getting old is awful and painful, but the alternative is death, and I chose getting old.

The two things I want more than life itself, I know that at 59, I have to accept that I will never have. I have tried relentlessly but I am convinced it is not in the cards for me. Most likely, I will never find love. I also will not have my own biological children. Periodt. End of sentence. It hurts. I can't think of anything more to say besides, whenever I die, I'm pretty sure I will be alone. In my bed, probably, in my sleep, with my Iphone beside me-