Signs

 

Signs

They're everywhere. 

Some are subtle,

some obvious.

Look for them.

Don't ignore them. 

Observe them 

                            and proceed accordingly.

-Daij

listening to Me' Shell NdegeOcello - Soul Searching

Closer than close.

 sometimes the most hurtful words will come from the person you love the most. 

untitled

 I look back and thank God.

I look forward and trust God.

Message?

 "What am I here for, if not to create beautiful things?"

It was 3 am, a week ago. 

I had awakened from a dream. I can't remember the details of it. I just remembered I was whispering the above quote. I had awakened, reciting it, and thinking, I need to remember that line, and so I recorded  that quote so that I could study it and post here later. 

Is God trying to tell me something? I've been deeply depressed the past few years. Is He trying to encourage me, to tell me to continue baking, or writing?  I've been obsessing about taking architecture courses lately ( there's a used book store near me and I've purchased about 10 books on architecture)  but thinking I'm too old to be thinking about another career. 

God, are you trying to encourage me...?

Question of the day

Knowing what you know now, have you reached the time in your life when you’ve figured it out?

I actually have figured it out, but I regret it may be too late to do anything about it. 

x-factor

 You let go, and I'll let go too.

...it must feel good...

I don't know...

 I'm a Christian. A proud Christian. I have friends of all nationalities and alot of religions. I have one friend named Charles (not his name). He's Samoan, and he's an athiest. A proud athiest. He is so proudof his athiesm that he critiques me everytime I say something about Christianity or faith, or praying for my blessings. As he says- and I can't argue with him- he doesn't pray to anyone. He just goes for what he wants and he succeeds every time.  I can't argue with him because I can remember when he talked about attending Architecture school while I was beginning my career as an underwriter. He succeeded. Then he talked about this very gorgeous blond who worked at my job. She was happily married, but Charlie said she was going to be his wife, and within 5 years they were married, while I failed ( and am still failing) at finding love. Then they wanted a house and his dad paid the downpayment as a gift. Then he was winning awards and climbed up the corporate ladder and he became a dad and now has 5 sons. I'm the Godfather to the first 3. The oldest son is in his freshman year of college,  and everything is going so well for Charlie while nothing about my life is going well at all no matter how hard I try, and no matter how hard I pray; Charles likes to remind me that he doesn't pray at all. Everything he hopes for  comes to fruition. While I'm glad for people it makes me sad to watch  people experience things and achieve goals I've been trying to attain for a lifetime. Like I said, I'm a Christian. A proud Christian. I don't do any one wrong, so my karma should be good. Good things should be coming to me. It doesn't make sense to me how everything I touch turns to s%*t.  My Christian friends ( and family) like to say that it's never in my time but in God's time. Keep striving, keep pushing. There's a time and place for everything, but I don't know...

Here's a song I have to listen to when I'm feeling this way-->Encourage Yourself, by Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers

This.

 Believe this...

If there are things you want to do, you will find a way.

If there are things you do not want to do, you will find an excuse. 

Method Man, Remy Ma, Busta Rhymes & More Join DJ Cassidy To Perform Hip ...

Hip Hop & R&B Playlist W/ DJ Cassidy Passing The Mic To Missy Elliot, Ne...

$000.000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Say, you had a retail business of your own, like a restaurant, a bakery, coffee shop, or a book store or t shirt shop, and every week you had new items- cakes or other desserts, new books, new issues of magazines, or tshirts on display, and every week, your support system of friends would stop by and look at the items you were selling in your retail establishment, and every week a majority of them would tell you how great everything looks, but every week, every single week, they would leave your retail establishment without ever buying a single thing, and your cash drawer at the end of every day every week every month  would total $0.00 from the people looking at what's on display and leaving without buying anything ever, 

and some would suggest that you start a retail establishment, 

and when reminding them that they are actually in the actual retail establishment

- what would your response be?

Me: an excerpt (rough draft)

 It's not the job of  a 4 or 5-year old child to help an adult with grown-up issues. 

A child should not have to be concerned about how his mother is going to stretch her paycheck to pay the bills or buy clothes or  birthday or Christmas presents. A child should not have to be concerned about how his mother feels about her in-laws. A child should not have to be concerned about the relationship his mother has with his father.  A child should not have to be concerned about his mother's relationships with her sister, her friends or neighbors.  A child should not have to be concerned about how to change his baby sister's diapers, or feed her or himself. A child should not have to be concerned about making sure that when the little hand is on 7 and the big hand is on 12 that he should go to bed. A child should not have to be concerned about babysitting his sister and himself. 

What you will do is raise a fragile child who will worry about things children should not be worried about. You will create a child who is  overly concerned, fearful and yet protective of his mother; a boy  that is focused on doing and saying anything  he thinks will make her happy or put her at ease which is a difficult task. 

My sister had no idea why I didn't get any christmas presents while growing up. It's because  I knew my mother could not afford presents for the both of us so I asked that she not buy me anything. I was 6. 

A child should not be concerned with the thought that his purpose in life is to make sure he does or says anything possible that would make his mother happy. 

A child should have zero jobs. Zero concerns. A child should be a child.

I was never a child.  

I'm 59 years old, and people wonder why I behave the way I do, towards my mother, my sister, and towards women in general.